I Would Not Have Known

What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is between two mountains; And what isn't meant for you, won't reach you even if it is between your two lips.

As days go by, I have come to understand the meaning of such quotes. Not just getting to know the literal meaning of each word, but trying to wholeheartedly accept the consequence that lies within the quote . 

Tentu, tidak jarang ada suara lain dalam hati saya yang mengeluh, merasa kecewa, dan sulit untuk menerima keadaan yang sedang saya hadapi. Suara yang kerap kali berbicara dengan nada yang saya tidak sukai. Meski pada akhirnya saya harus berani mengakui bahwa suara itu kurang lebih merupakan bagian dari diri sendiri.

Tentu, ada kecil hati yang saya rasakan ketika teman-teman seangkatan di masa kuliah dulu sudah berkesempatan untuk menempuh jenjang pendidikan yang lebih tinggi dan menambah satu gelar lagi di belakang namanya.

Tentu, ada kecil hati yang saya rasakan ketika seolah-olah semua orang di sekitar saya mantap dengan pilihan karir mereka. Sibuk diklat untuk menjadi aparatur negara, seru bekerja di unicorn start-up, atau menjadi ibu rumah tangga sambil membesarkan bisnis. When it seems like everyone get their shit together, know exactly what to do, and have everything happen for them in such a favorable orders.

Tentu, ada kecil hati yang saya rasakan ketika merenungi kilas balik pribadi. Ketika melihat tanggal tertentu di kalender dan bergumam, this should have been the date for me to do or become something, when in reality it is not.

But as days go by I think I have let myself to become a bigger person than that voice. 

A bigger person who is connected to her creator for as long and as often as possible. 
A bigger person who lives by "everything happens [or does not] for a reason" kind of thinking. 
A bigger person who is not stuck in the hell hole of what-if and it-should-have-been. 
A bigger person who lives and is present at the moment. 
A bigger person who tries to look at the silver lining and is always grateful.

If I hadn't got sick, I would not have known how much of a warrior my parents are and how fortunate I am to call them mine.
I would not have known that I have the most loving and sincere sister who will always be my best friend through every season.
I would not have known that God picks out such a wonderful man to be by my side and how unconditional his love is.
I would not have known that my office has one of the best healthcare system for its employees.
I would not have known that being away from such a tough city like Jakarta makes me yearn for it.

I would not have known that God is so good to me and His plan is what's best for me.

Meskipun kemenangan dan ketenangan batin dari suara-suara yang sibuk meminta skenario lain bukan sesuatu yang terus menerus datang, namun keberadaannya merupakan sesuatu yang harus setiap saat diperjuangkan.



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